I thought that I had found myself. Perhaps, I had only found myself through you. Though, what is finding yourself when you are unsure, unaware, and maybe even not wanting to know who you truly are? I’ve heard that fear is the epitome of worry; something so unnecessary and, to most, exposes the truth – worrying (being ego-based) = the problem itself. The problem causing the problem. Maybe just another modality of fear itself; worry turns to doubt, which fuels hesitation, which manifests, even more, doubt, hesitation, and the feeling of stagnation. All of which circulate back to fear.
Fear, the polar opposite of love, is what holds us back; preventing us from being the person, the people we want to be.
I remember the day I chose “love.” Claiming to magically become devoid of all fear, I only found myself falling further and deeper into the, dramatically put, dark hole of my own despair. Where was this love I had so proudly proclaimed for myself? Though I may have attempted to make the necessary inward changes in my mind, it is true that we all resort back to the presets for which we know and are most comfortable residing in. Melancholy and despair somehow being my said preset in the past, I still find clarity and love in you. Or is it that I find you in me? Are you the one pushing me forward every day? On the days I feel that I can’t go on for even a second longer, is it you that is keeping me going, holding me up, as steady as possible?
Going back to my discovery, my finding, and my allowing of love; I lost you. I lost you to another, I lost you to time, and eventually, I lost you to death. With the only regret I have ever harbored, I lost you. Yet, I still find you in everything that I do, everywhere that I go, and everything that I see. I love you to death, and love you even more so. Your soul still resonates within me. And, I am through with doubting that. You are the ghost, while I am the ghost of who I once was. You were there, or shall I say here, on that day I chose love. The day I chose love, I awoke having fallen on the ground in fear. Interesting how the two, being as opposite as they are, can coincide with each other in such a hauntingly strange way.
Selfless by default, I know that I am not the only one who has felt all of this. One moment so sure, then one moment so full of doubt. Always the one to quickly help others, expecting nothing in return; I, being human, deeply and anonymously crave to have someone want to help me or to return the “favor.” See, I have never been one to ask for help or to even receive it when given. Part of this whole finding myself expedition has been attempting to allow others’ to assist me. Then enters fear again; wondering what someone’s motives for said help just maybe, or if they are even the littlest bit genuine and sincere.
All I know is, at the end of the day, once I let go with gratitude, I learned how to love myself in ALL ways that day. Thank you for helping to show me the way, shine your light to help me expose mine, and for being you.
Sometimes, when writing a letter to Spirit, we are also writing a letter to the Self.
Forever & Always,
I found this in a notebook this morning (another reason why keeping a notebook is so important to your personal & Spiritual growth)! Comparing then to now = I have changed quite a bit, made necessary improvements, and am actually proud of ME.
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